The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Also, I pretty much need an IV of fluids straight to my soul
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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