I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
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