We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
I almost got an A in organic chem but started hallucinating during the final so I got a C
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Randomize
