Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I bet, I woke up to you like naked at 4 in the morning shoving a sandwich in your face
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
I would fuck him just for his dog
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
