Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We left an ass print on the piano.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
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