Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
Well, they emptied out the keg by the third kegstand for America.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
