Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
I must be pretty memorable. I was walking past this dude and he goes "There's the Scotch Girl." I have ZERO clue who he is, but I'm definitely the Scotch Girl.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize