i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Im otw to class. I was at the Library. Just past three girls with a bottle of tequila playing dizzy bat.
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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