then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
my mom said i came home and fell asleep on the floor. like right in front of her.
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
U dont jog and buy condoms n bulk
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
