Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
there's chocolate cake in my bathtub.. I don't even want to know how the hell chocolate cake wound up in my tub..
Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
I party with great urgency now.
Randomize
