I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Terrible. Enormous nipples with a small ring of boob on the outside. It looked like a tittie eclipse
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
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