Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
