we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Denmark girl wants me to go out but i remembered shes a raging whore with extremely questionable morals. Not feelin that tonight
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
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