I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
I just gave an orange Froot Loop the finger for falling on the floor instead of my mouth when I was pouring a mini box of cereal into my face.
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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