i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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