I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
How bout we save the 40s for when we FINISH the project this time..
I fucked her ex bc she fucked mine but now we're cool and I'm watching her dog this weekend
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
Randomize
