Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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