He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
My nose was gushing blood and he just kept screaming "she took it like a champ" to everyone there. Plus side though, bartender felt bad for me and gave me a free drink.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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