i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
She sucked my dick and I swear I almost had to send a search party into her mouth to find it. IT WAS THAT AMAZING.
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I'm pretty sure he's playing the harmonica in my shower right now. I just really need to pee.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I just want orgasms and emotional validation. Is that too much to ask?
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
We went to the midnight donut shop and you hopped the counter and told everyone to "Get the Fuck out of your Bar" but to also "Make yourselves at home".
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