when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
This Christmas I would like to thank Jesus for cocaine.
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
the fact that your 21st birthday is also new years eve is pretty much a death sentence
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
Randomize
