I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Randomize
