I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
Randomize
