You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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