sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
i was just skypeing her and i saw the vagisil medicated wipes in the corner of her room. i'll be breaking this off tomorrow
i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
