my mouth tastes like poor choices
Black thong, sheer white shorts not a professional look. This chick has no idea what sunlight makes her outfit look like.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
My vagina just clenched in fear
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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