I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
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