if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
Wtf is this place? I don't see any alcohol and I feel like we were supposed to bring our own strippers.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
Randomize
