how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
There would be some who claim I got a little "carried away" or that we "probably don't need that many jello shots". They would be wrong.
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Greetings from Florida; the armpit of the US, where my 240something lb brother nearly got carried away by some aggressive woodland mosquitoes. I was only spared because they could probably sense I was currently semi-disassociating and would not feel the suffering their presence wrought.
Anyway, how was your day?
Randomize
