life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
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