Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
So we were in bed when his brother walks in, walks over to me, fist bumps me and says he just wanted to say hi, then leaves...so random lmao
I did my patriotic duty. I woke up next to a veteran this morning.
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
I showed him my machete and then we made out in the kitchen
Just reintroduced tequila back into my life...so that's happening
YAS SHES BACK AND BETTER THAN EVER
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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