i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"
there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
I told her I named my penis "The Spirit of Exploration." That's all it took.
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize
