How do 1 in 4 women misread a pregnancy test; how stupid are women?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
she was literally 3 feet away from the garbage can, said she couldn't make it, and then proceeded to vomit on the floor in front of everyone in the restaurant
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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