My girlfriend figured out who you are.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
My vag has a bald spot. That is so middle aged. Is this my midlife crisis?
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
I need weed and if he's hot, maybe he can supply me with sex too.
Randomize
