I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
I let that bitch know in no uncertain terms I was taking the coke dealer in the breakup
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I think I'm at a stage of my life where I subconsciously purposefully fuck everything up just to see if I can find a way out of it.
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
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