If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
Hey, what's the French word for when you meet your boyfriend's friend and you have that gut feeling that you smoked pot naked in a hot tub with him at a house party years ago?
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize