If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
She was wearing a shirt that said "Just Do Me", holding a half of a bottle of Vodka, and was screaming at her friends "PUSSY JUST SWALLOW!" before she chugged the rest of the bottle.
Dude, if you don't take her, I will.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
There is a pile of hair outside the apartment next door. At least now I know what all that shouting was about last night.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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