Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I faked an abortion last night.
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
