Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
He wanted to take me to breakfast in the morning. He told me he respects me after I said no. I told him to respect me at a distance.
So I tried to catch a rabbit in Terraria & accidentally blew it up with a grenade made of bees. Monty Python would be proud.
Randomize
