quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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