Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
escape the fate? dumbest band name ever. how about escape the fart. now that is a show i would go see!
Took an aderol, wrote a differential equation for solving volume of flow of a rectangular channel with change in depth, then masturbated for the 6th time.
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
