i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
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