Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Can't wait to hear which one of you won the 'fuck a bigger geek' contest last night. Queen Amidala vs Lara Croft. See you at breakfast.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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