I'm sorry I didn't make it out, I got distracted by sparkley boobies.
i feel like my eyelids need a kick stand.
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
And to think..we used to do everything sober...
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
Also there's a dick sized hole in my tights...should I be worried?
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
I am pretty sure I just put SoCo in the bird feeder
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
Randomize
