when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
Randomize