I just put out an orange level terrorist threat on her punani
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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