Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
How do you have time to get laid so much in law school?
I like to set goals for myself. for example, he was my first libertarian
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
The last thing I remember before blacking out was passing that sobriety test.
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