He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
Proudest moment of my life. Just watched a guy walk into the side of a car because I winked at him. Love these yoga pants and my hair. Fuck yes. His mouth was hanging open.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Randomize
