I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
I feel like everyone in class can tell we had a threesome last weekend.
What is your life?
A tangled mess of finals and bad decisions.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
You just kept mumbling about the carpet being covered in stains that looked like the face of God. Until you decided that they were closer in relation to Dumbledore.
I told my mom that I might be hungover today so she needs to make me an omelet.. it happened and I'm happy
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