A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Randomize
