I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
This hangover is what we deserve after that level of debauchery.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Never let me go online shopping while drunk. I now own 2 baby cribs. I have no children
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize