Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
And the cops told us we were all naked.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
