Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I was the oldest, shortest, and soberest at the New Years party last night. My life sucks
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
