I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
Last night I had sex with one of the groomsmen I was in the wedding with. In a stairwell. 13 years my senior. Thinking I should retire from the bridesmaid gig.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
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