before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Randomize