So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
just saw the most amazing side boob. i wanted to hold it.
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
