it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
went to sleep on the couch in jeans and socks. woke up in bed totally nude no memory of moving. best farewell party ever
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I have officially made out with every girl you've made out with, even the random you met on the Mexico flight
Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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