get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Randomize
